What to Do When Your Child Doesn’t Want to See Their Other Parent
If your child doesn’t want to see their other parent, you might feel stressed and unsure of what to do. It’s normal to feel caught between following a court order and respecting your child’s feelings.
This page explains Oregon’s rules about parenting time and offers practical advice from child psychology experts to help your family move forward.
Oregon law says you must follow your parenting plan
If your child doesn’t want to see their other parent, it’s important to know your legal obligations.
- You are required to follow your court-ordered parenting plan, even if your child does not want to see their other parent.
- If a parent does not follow the court-ordered plan, the other parent can ask the court to enforce it. The court can order make-up parenting time, change the schedule, or require a parent to take a parenting class.
- If you don’t have a court-ordered plan, you are not required to make your child visit the other parent.
No matter your situation, try to understand why your child doesn’t want to go. Then take steps to help them feel safe and secure in their relationship with both parents.
Children generally do better when they have safe and healthy relationships with both parents.
Why children may not want to see their other parent
Children may not want contact with a parent for many reasons. Some common ones include:
- Conflict between parents: When parents fight, kids may feel pressure to side with one parent over the other.
- Different parenting styles: Kids often prefer parents with more flexible, less strict styles.
- Temperament or special needs: Kids may feel closer to the parent who shares their personality or understands their unique needs.
- Loyalty conflicts with one parent: Kids may feel torn between their parents and feel like they must support one parent over the other.
- Big changes in a parent’s home or routine: Moving, a new baby, stepsibling conflicts, or new relationships can make a child less willing to spend time with a parent.
- Feeling unsafe: Sometimes, children do not feel safe in the other parent’s home. If a parent has problems with anger, substance use, or mental health, a child may not want to visit.
For more guidance on this topic, download the Parent-Child Contact Problems guide, created by the Oregon Family Law Advisory Committee.
What to do if your child is in danger
Sometimes, a child refuses contact because they truly feel unsafe. For example, the other parent may have:
- Physically hurt your child.
- Threatened your child.
- Allowed your child to be around unsafe people.
If you’re worried about safety, get help. You don’t have to navigate this alone. Here are some people who can help:
- Domestic violence advocates (free): If you or your child isn’t safe, you can get free help from domestic violence advocates. They can share information and connect you with resources. Use this directory to find a program near you.
- Child welfare workers: Investigate reports of child abuse and can take legal action if they think a child is in danger. Find out how to report child abuse here.
- Lawyers: A lawyer can help you understand your legal obligations and give advice. Use the Oregon Law Help legal directory to search for legal help.
Step-by-step guidance for dealing with a child who refuses visits
If safety is not an issue, try these steps when your child refuses visits.
It's hard to see your child unhappy. You may be tempted to rush in and fix things or send angry texts or emails to your ex.
Here are some tips:
- Reassure your child that it’s OK to love both parents.
- Stay calm during transitions. Kids often mirror their parents’ emotions.
- Talk to your child about the positive or fun things they get to do with the other parent.
- Send your child’s favorite stuffed animal or other comfort items with them.
When a child refuses contact, you might be tempted to blame your co-parent. But experts say these problems usually have multiple causes.
Here’s how to approach this situation:
- Remain curious. Don’t assume you have all the facts. Gather information from the other parent, caregivers, and your child's school to get a complete picture of why your child might resist contact.
- Avoid talking to your child about the situation. Children tend to tell us what we want to hear. Directly asking your child about what’s happening puts them in the middle of the conflict, which you want to avoid.
- Look at the bigger picture. Consider what’s happening at your child’s school, in your child’s friend groups, and at the other parent's home. Have there been recent changes?
Your goal is to understand the situation, not assign blame.
Even if it is hard to communicate, working together helps your child feel safe. You do not have to agree on everything. Focus on making transitions between parents easier.
Here are a few ideas for making transitions easier:
- Let your child bring comfort items to the other parent’s home.
- Plan short check-in calls while your child is away.
- Talk about routines so both homes feel more consistent.
- Use a co-parenting app, such as Our Family Wizard or TalkingParents.
Experts say a damaged parent-child relationship is like a broken bone: the sooner it’s treated, the better it heals.
If trust has been broken, focus on repairing it. Rebuilding trust can include:
- Keeping your promises, even small ones.
- Listening without judgment.
- Celebrating small steps, such as your child agreeing to a short visit.
- Apologizing when you make mistakes.
When both parents work to rebuild trust, most children start to relax and reconnect.
If your child continues to resist contact or your co-parenting relationship feels stuck, getting outside help can make a difference. You or your child might benefit from:
- Parenting classes.
- Individual or family therapy.
- Parenting coaching.
See our article on resources for separated or divorced parents for recommendations.
If the problem continues and therapy or other interventions don't work, you may want to consider changing your custody arrangement or court-ordered parenting plan.