Tips for Leaving an Abusive Partner

Here's a few things you can do right now: 

1. Contact a domestic violence organization. They can listen and validate your experiences, help you plan to leave, and connect you with resources. You can find a list of domestic violence organizations on this page. 
2. Talk to your trusted friends and family. Tell them what's happening and ask for help if needed.   
3. Apply for government assistance. If you're worried about money, contact your local DHS self-sufficiency office to see what government aid you're eligible for. You can apply while still with your partner, so you have a plan when you're ready to leave. 
4. Look into applying for a restraining order. A restraining order can help you stay safe when you decide to leave. It can also make taking your children or pets with you easier. You can learn more about restraining orders on this page. 
5. Collect evidence. If you have kids or own property with your partner, you may have to go through a legal battle to sort out what happens with your kids and stuff. Now is a great time to collect evidence and send it to a safe person or email so it doesn't get lost. Your evidence may include photos, videos, audio recordings, pay stubs, bank records, letters, emails, etc. Depending on the issues in your case, you may want to document: 
   • Your partner's abuse of you. 
   • Why you're afraid of your partner. 
   • Concerns you have with your partner's parenting. 
   • Your partner's income. 
   • Your and your partner's assets (such as vehicles, valuables, financial accounts, retirement accounts, etc.). 

If you haven't gone to court for custody, it's legal for you to take your kids and leave. It's not kidnapping. Your partner may call the police to try to make you bring the kids back, but the police usually won't get involved. They try to avoid disputes between parents who haven't gone to court for custody. 

If you already have a custody order, it's more complicated. You must follow what's in your court papers. If you aren't a custodial parent, you can get in trouble for kidnapping your kids. Even with sole custody, you must follow the parenting plan in your court papers.  

You can apply for a restraining order if you're in physical danger. A restraining order can give you temporary custody or modify your existing custody order so that it's easier for you to leave with your children. You can get a restraining order the same day or the next business day after you apply. Learn more about getting a restraining order here.

Moving to a different state with your children is legal if you don't have a custody order. However, just because it's legal doesn't mean it's always a good idea.  

If your partner files for custody in Oregon after you leave, there are some risks: 

• Your partner could get a court order that forces you to bring your children back to Oregon. 
• It could be harder to get custody of your children. There's a risk that a judge might think you were trying to alienate your children from your partner.  
• If your partner files for custody or divorce in Oregon, it's unlikely you can transfer the case to the state you just moved to. That means you'll have to travel back to Oregon for court hearings or a trial. Filing paperwork can also be complicated when you don't live nearby. 

On the other hand, if you're in danger or in a desperate financial situation, sometimes moving is the best option, and the risks are worth it. Moving is a personal decision you'll have to make for your family.

If you can, wait to move until you've sorted out custody and have a parenting plan in place through the courts. You can ask the courts to put a long-distance parenting plan in place so you can move with your children.

You can apply for a restraining order if you're in physical danger. A restraining order can give you temporary custody or modify your existing custody order so that it's easier for you to leave with your children. You can get a restraining order the same day or the next business day after you apply. Learn more about getting a restraining order here.

Here are some ideas that can help alleviate your financial stress a little: 

• Apply for government assistance. Government programs can help you pay moving expenses and necessities like food, housing, medical care, and clothes. You can apply for government benefits through your local DHS Self-Sufficiency office. 
• Take money from your joint accounts. If you have cash in shared bank, investment, or retirement accounts, it's legal for you to take money from these accounts when you leave. If you're married, you can also take money from accounts in your spouse's name only, if your spouse opened those accounts or deposited money into the accounts during your marriage.  
• Ask your friends and family for help. Lean on your friends and family for help if you can. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, and it's ok to ask for help. 
• Ask for child support. If you have children, you can ask your partner to pay child support. But it can take six months or longer to get a child support order in place, so don't rely on this money coming in right away. You can learn more about how to get child support on this page. 
• Ask for spousal support. If you are married and depend on your spouse financially, you can ask your spouse to pay spousal support. Again, getting a spousal support order through the courts can take several months, so don't plan on this money immediately. You can learn more about spousal support on this page. 

If you're married, you can file for divorce right before or after you leave. After you file and serve your spouse with divorce papers, Oregon law prohibits your spouse from canceling or changing your insurance policies until you finalize your divorce. (See ORS 107.093).  

If you're not married, apply for government health insurance as soon as possible to prevent a lapse in coverage. 

You might be able to break your lease without paying a lease break fee if:  

• Your partner was physically or sexually abusive to you in the last 90 days (about 3 months) or 
• You have a restraining order against your partner.

You can break your lease with only two weeks' notice. But you must give your landlord proper notice and provide a copy of your restraining order, police report, or a letter from a qualified professional. This page explains these protections in more detail and provides instructions for notifying your landlord that you're ending your lease.  

If you don't qualify for those protections, read your rental or lease agreement carefully. You'll have to follow the rules in your agreement to get out of your lease.

If you're married, everything you or your spouse got during your marriage belongs to both of you equally. You can take whatever you want when you leave, including:  

• Vehicles, trailers, or boats 
• Money you have in bank accounts, investment accounts, or retirement accounts 
• Pets 
• Valuables like jewelry or watches 
• Household items like furniture, electronics, dishes, etc 

But know that the courts will ensure everything is fairly divided when you go through a divorce. So, if you take more than your fair share, you may have to return some things or repay your spouse some of the money you took. 

If you're not married, generally, the things you bought belong to you, and the things your partner bought belong to them. However, if you need to take things your partner bought, like clothes, toiletries, or other necessities, you probably won't get in trouble for stealing, even if your partner calls the police.  

Contact your local domestic violence resource center. These centers have trained advocates who can answer questions and help you develop a plan. They can also help connect you with legal help and other resources in your local community.