Custody Mediation in Oregon
If you and your co-parent can’t agree on custody, parenting time, or a parenting plan, custody mediation (also called family law mediation) is a way to try to solve disagreements without going to court.
This article answers frequently asked questions about custody mediation including what it is, how custody mediation works, how to prepare for mediation, and more.
If you aren’t familiar with custody, parenting time, or parenting plans in Oregon, read our custody and parenting time article first.
What is custody mediation?
Custody mediation is a process in which a trained, neutral person called a mediator helps parents communicate and make decisions about custody and their parenting plan. Mediators do not take sides and cannot make decisions for you.
In Oregon, custody mediation is about much more than custody. Mediators help parents discuss:
- When each parent will care for the child (called parenting time).
- What to do for holidays and school breaks.
- How parents will make important decisions for the child (called custody).
- How to communicate and solve problems in the future.
- Other parenting plan topics that matter to your family.
Some mediators may be qualified to help parents discuss financial matters like child support.
Custody mediation is not a court hearing, and a judge is not there. A mediator can't force you to agree to anything or make you sign a settlement.
How does custody mediation work?
Here's what the process looks like:
- Meet with mediator: You and the other parent meet with the mediator. This may happen in person, online, or over the phone.
- Mediator guides the conversation: You talk about custody, parenting time, and your child’s needs. The mediator guides the conversation and may help you come up with ideas to fit your family’s needs. Depending on your situation, the mediator may meet with you and the other side at the same time. Or, they might meet with you separately.
- If you reach an agreement: the mediator will help you put it in writing.
- If you don’t agree: You can keep talking on your own. If you can't agree on everything, you can go to trial, and a judge will decide.
How much does custody mediation cost?
- Private mediation costs money. You can reasonably expect to pay several thousand dollars or more depending on the private mediator’s hourly rate. Although mediation can be expensive, it is usually much less expensive than hiring lawyers to go to trial.
- Court-connected mediation is free. It’s paid for partly by court filing fees. Read more about court-connected custody and parenting plan mediation.
How to find a custody mediator
In Oregon, anyone can call themselves a mediator. Private mediators do not have to complete specific training or hold a license, so be cautious when choosing a mediator.
You can find mediators using these resources:
- Ask your local circuit court: Many courts have mediation programs, especially for family matters. Some courts have mediation programs for debt collection and housing issues. Contact your local circuit court to learn what’s available.
- Use an online directory:
- Resolution Oregon can help you find a community resolution center mediator. Resolution Centers offer free to low-cost mediation services to people who live or work in the communities they serve.
- Mediate.Info can help you find mediators from across the United States and Canada who have paid to be listed in Mediate.Info’s directory.
- Oregon Mediation Association can help you find Oregon mediators who have paid to be listed in the Oregon Mediation Association’s directory.
- Talk to your lawyer: If you have a lawyer, they can usually recommend a private mediator.
Tip: Look for a mediator who understands Oregon's custody laws and has experience drafting parenting plans and filing legal documents with the court.
How to prepare for custody mediation
Here are some things you can do to prepare for mediation:
- Understand the law: Learn about Oregon's custody and parenting time laws and how they can affect the outcome of your case.
- Talk to a lawyer: Meet with a lawyer (if you can afford one). A lawyer can help you understand how the laws apply to your situation and what a fair outcome might be in your case.
- Gather documents: Collect important documents and make sure you have important information so you can make decisions in mediation. For example, you may need:
- School or extracurricular calendars for your child.
- Information about your own schedule.
- Other documents that might be relevant to your family and your children’s needs (for example, any special medical information).
- Financial documents (if requested by your mediator).
- Think about your desired outcomes:
- Ideal scenarios: What do you want for your parenting plan (ideal scenarios)?
- Worst-case scenarios: What don’t you want for your parenting plan (worst case scenarios)?
- Other options: Ideas you might consider that fall between your ideal and worst‑case scenarios.
- Write down your ideas: You may want to write down ideas or notes of things to say in mediation.
Additional FAQs
The mediator is not there to take sides or to make decisions. There are no “right” or “wrong” things to say in mediation.
What you say in mediation is confidential (with some exceptions). This means it is generally okay to speak openly about what you want for your parenting plan.
Mediation works best when parents stay kid-focused and communicate respectfully.
Try to:
- Focus on your kid’s needs.
- Speak from your own experience.
- Stick to facts.
- Share clear and specific proposals.
- Show flexibility if you are open to compromise.
- Talk about the future, not the past.
Try not to:
- Blame or attack the other parent.
- Complain about past conflicts.
- Speak negatively about the other parent.
- Make threats and give ultimatums.
Yes. This means that what you say in mediation is private. The purpose is to help you and the other parent speak openly and honestly.
In Oregon, what you say in mediation:
- Is confidential (kept private).
- Cannot be requested through discovery.
- Cannot be used as evidence in court.
In most situations, what you say in mediation cannot be shared with others. There are some exceptions. Ask your mediator to explain confidentiality and any exceptions.
In mediation, “winning” doesn’t mean beating the other parent. You “win” in mediation when you:
- Work together to make decisions that support your child’s well-being.
- Reduce ongoing conflict and stress for your family.
- Work toward creating a parenting plan that:
- Helps your child feel safe, stable, and supported, and
- Is practical and manageable for you and the other parent.
The parenting plan doesn’t need to be perfect—just workable for everyone.
Not always. Mediation may not be right for your situation if:
- You are worried you might agree with something you don’t want.
- You are worried that things you say in mediation could have negative consequences.
- You don’t think the other side is willing to compromise or act reasonably.
Before you start mediation, tell the mediator if:
- You are unsure if mediation is the right process for any reason.
- You feel unsafe or scared to be in the same room or virtual meetings with the other parent.
The mediator may be able to adjust the process to better support your needs.