Leaving an Abusive Relationship
If you're trying to leave a domestic violence situation, you probably have a lot of worries and questions. You may be wondering how to go safely, how to support yourself after you leave, or whether you can take your children with you. We'll answer these common questions and more.
What steps should I take before leaving?
Every situation is different, but here are a few key steps to take:
- Contact a domestic violence organization. These organizations provide free help and support. A trained advocate can help you make a plan to leave and connect you with community resources. You can find a list of domestic violence organizations on this website.
- Set money aside. If you can, start stashing money away. You can open a new bank account or put money aside in another safe place. You can also take money from your shared bank accounts when you leave.
- Apply for financial aid. If you can't save enough money to leave, contact your local Department of Human Services office to see if you're eligible for financial assistance. You can apply for help while you're still living with your partner. Be sure to tell your caseworker about your situation. They can ignore your partner's income to help you qualify for more help.
- Consider getting a restraining order. If your partner is physically abusive, a restraining order can help you leave. A restraining order can make your partner move out of your home, give you temporary custody of your kids, and limit your partner's ability to contact you or come near you. You can learn more about restraining orders on this page.
Learn more about resources and help for people in abusive relationships on this page.
What can I take with me when I leave?
When you leave, take the things you need, including household items and cash. If you have time, collect important documents and evidence as well. You'll need this later if you have to go to court.
What you can take if you're married
If you're married, you can take half of what you own. Everything you or your spouse got during your marriage belongs equally to both of you, even if your name isn't on the title or deed. You can take:
- Vehicles, trailers, or boats.
- Money you have in bank accounts, investment accounts, or retirement accounts.
- Pets.
- Valuables like jewelry or watches.
- Household items like furniture, electronics, dishes, etc.
Only take your fair share. If you go through a divorce later, the courts will ensure everything gets split fairly. If you take more than half of what you own, you may have to return some things or repay your spouse later.
What you can take if you're not married
You can take everything you own. You can also take cash from shared bank accounts.
If your partner bought everything, it's still okay to take necessities such as clothes, toiletries, and basic household items. It's unlikely you'll get in trouble with the police for taking these things.
Documents and evidence to collect before you leave
If you have time, gather important documents, take photos or videos, or save written communications that show:
- Your partner's abuse of you or your children.
- How much money your partner makes.
- The things you own (like vehicles, household items, etc.)
- How much debt you both owe.
Send copies to a safe person or email them to yourself at a safe email address. You will need this information later if you end up in court for divorce or custody.
Get support
Contact your local domestic violence resource center. These centers have trained advocates who can answer questions and help you develop a plan to leave. They can also connect you with legal help and other resources in your local community.
Frequently Asked Questions
Here are some ideas that can help alleviate your financial stress a little:
- Take money from your joint accounts. If you have cash in shared bank, investment, or retirement accounts, it's legal for you to take money from these accounts when you leave. If you're married, you can also take money from accounts in your spouse's name only, as long as your spouse opened those accounts or deposited money into the accounts during your marriage.
- Ask your friends and family for help. Lean on your friends and family for help if you can. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, and it's ok to ask for help.
- Apply for financial aid. Government programs can help you pay moving expenses and necessities like food, housing, medical care, and clothes during this transition period. You can apply for financial aid through your local Department of Human Services Self-Sufficiency office.
- Ask for child support. If you have children, you can ask your partner to pay child support. But it can take six months or longer to get a child support order in place, so don't rely on this money coming in right away. You can learn more about how to get child support on this page.
- Ask for spousal support. If you are married and depend on your spouse financially, you can ask your spouse to pay spousal support. Again, getting a spousal support order through the courts can take several months, so don't plan on this money immediately. You can learn more about spousal support on this page.
If you haven't gone to court for custody, it's legal to take your kids and leave. It's not kidnapping. Your partner may call the police to try to make you bring the kids back, but the police usually won't intervene. They try to avoid getting involved in disagreements between parents who haven't gone to court for custody.
If you already have a custody order, it's more complicated. You must follow what's in your court papers. If you aren't a custodial parent, you can get in trouble for kidnapping your kids. Even with sole custody, you must follow the parenting plan in your court papers.
You can apply for a restraining order if you're in physical danger. A restraining order can give you temporary custody or modify your existing custody order so that it's easier for you to leave with your children. You can get a restraining order the same day or the next business day after you apply. Learn more about getting a restraining order here.
If you don't have a custody order in place, it's legal to move to a different state with your kids.
But just because it's legal doesn't mean it's always a good idea. There are legal risks to moving with your kids. These risks include:
- Losing custody of your kids
- Being forced to move back to Oregon
- Having to deal with a long-distance custody or divorce case in Oregon
If you're thinking of moving, consider applying for a restraining order before you move. A restraining order can give you temporary custody of your children. This can reduce the legal risks of moving out of state. Learn more about getting a restraining order on this page.
Talk to a lawyer if you don't qualify for a restraining order. A lawyer can help you understand your other options. You can find a lawyer by calling Oregon's Lawyer Referral Service. If you don't have any money to pay a lawyer, you can also apply for a free lawyer through your local legal aid office.
If you're married, you can file for divorce right before or after you leave. After you file and serve your spouse with divorce papers, Oregon's "statutory restraining order" law prohibits your spouse from canceling or changing your insurance policies until you finalize your divorce. Read the statutory restraining order law on the Oregon Laws website.
If you're not married, apply for government health insurance as soon as possible to prevent a lapse in coverage.
You might be able to break your lease without paying a lease break fee if:
- Your partner was physically or sexually abusive to you in the last 90 days (about 3 months). Or,
- You have a restraining order against your partner.
You can break your lease with only two weeks' notice. But you must give your landlord proper notice and provide a copy of your restraining order, police report, or a letter from a qualified professional. This page explains these protections in more detail and provides instructions for notifying your landlord that you're ending your lease.
If you don't qualify for those protections, read your rental or lease agreement carefully. You'll have to follow the rules in your agreement to get out of your lease.
If your partner was physically abusive to you, you may be able to make them move out by getting a restraining order or asking your landlord to make them move out. Learn more about these protections on this page.
If your partner wasn't physically abusive, you don't have a lot of options. You can ask your partner to move out, but if they won't agree, there's nothing else you can do.