Leaving an Abusive Relationship

If you're trying to leave an abusive relationship, you probably have a lot of worries and questions. You may be wondering how to go safely, how to support yourself after you leave, or whether you can take your children with you. We'll answer these common questions and more. 

How do I leave my abusive partner?

Make a plan ahead of time. Be prepared to leave without much notice. Here are a few things you can do to come up with a plan:

• Contact a domestic violence organization. You can talk to a trained advocate at one of these organizations for free. An advocate will listen and validate your experiences, help you make a plan to leave, and connect you with resources. You can find a list of domestic violence organizations on this website. 
• Look into applying for a restraining order. If your partner is physically abusive, a restraining order can help you leave. A restraining order can make your partner move out of your home, give you temporary custody of your kids, and limit your partner's ability to contact you or come near you. You can learn more about restraining orders on this page. 
• Talk to an attorney. If you have kids or are financially dependent on your partner, talk to a divorce attorney before you leave. There are legal solutions that can make leaving easier and less stressful. If you don't have any money to pay a lawyer, contact your local legal aid office. They may be able to help you for free.
• Talk to your trusted friends and family. Tell them what's happening and ask for help if needed. 
• Set money aside. If you can, start stashing money away. You can open a new bank account or put money aside in another safe place. You can also take money from your shared bank accounts when you leave. 
• Apply for financial aid. If you're worried about money, contact your local Department of Human Services office to see if you're eligible for financial assistance. You can apply for help while you're still living with your partner. Be sure to tell your caseworker about your situation. They can ignore your partner's income to help you qualify for more help.

Learn more about resources and help for people in abusive relationships on this page.

What can I take with me when I leave?

When you leave, take the things you need; this includes household items and cash. If you have time, collect evidence as well. You'll need this later if you have to go through a contested court battle.

What you can take if you're married

If you're married, everything you or your spouse got during your marriage belongs to both of you equally. You can take:

• Vehicles, trailers, or boats 
• Money you have in bank accounts, investment accounts, or retirement accounts 
• Pets 
• Valuables like jewelry or watches 
• Household items like furniture, electronics, dishes, etc 

Don't take more than your fair share! When you go through your divorce, the courts will ensure everything gets split fairly. If you take more than half of what you own, you may have to return some things or repay your spouse some of the money you took. 

What you can take if you're not married

If you're not married, generally, the things you bought belong to you, and the things your partner bought belong to them. However, if you need to take things your partner bought, like clothes, toiletries, or other necessities, you probably won't get in trouble for stealing, even if your partner calls the police. 

Evidence to gather (if you have time)

If you have kids or own property with your partner, you may have to go through a legal battle to sort out what happens with your kids and stuff. Now is a great time to collect evidence and send it to a safe person or email so it doesn't get lost. 

Your evidence may include photos, videos, audio recordings, pay stubs, bank records, letters, emails, etc. Depending on the issues in your case, you may want to document: 

• Your partner's abuse
• Why you're afraid of your partner
• Concerns you have with your partner's parenting
• Your partner's income
• Your and your partner's assets (such as vehicles, valuables, financial accounts, retirement accounts, etc.)

If I leave, can I take my children with me?

If you haven't gone to court for custody, it's legal to take your kids and leave. It's not kidnapping. Your partner may call the police to try to make you bring the kids back, but the police usually won't intervene. They try to avoid getting involved in disagreements between parents who haven't gone to court for custody. 

If you already have a custody order, it's more complicated. You must follow what's in your court papers. If you aren't a custodial parent, you can get in trouble for kidnapping your kids. Even with sole custody, you must follow the parenting plan in your court papers.  

You can apply for a restraining order if you're in physical danger. A restraining order can give you temporary custody or modify your existing custody order so that it's easier for you to leave with your children. You can get a restraining order the same day or the next business day after you apply. Learn more about getting a restraining order here.

How will I support myself without my partner’s income?

Here are some ideas that can help alleviate your financial stress a little: 

• Take money from your joint accounts. If you have cash in shared bank, investment, or retirement accounts, it's legal for you to take money from these accounts when you leave. If you're married, you can also take money from accounts in your spouse's name only, as long as your spouse opened those accounts or deposited money into the accounts during your marriage.  
• Ask your friends and family for help. Lean on your friends and family for help if you can. Leaving an abusive relationship is hard, and it's ok to ask for help. 
• Apply for financial aid. Government programs can help you pay moving expenses and necessities like food, housing, medical care, and clothes during this transition period. You can apply for financial aid through your local Department of Human Services Self-Sufficiency office. 
• Ask for child support. If you have children, you can ask your partner to pay child support. But it can take six months or longer to get a child support order in place, so don't rely on this money coming in right away. You can learn more about how to get child support on this page. 
• Ask for spousal support. If you are married and depend on your spouse financially, you can ask your spouse to pay spousal support. Again, getting a spousal support order through the courts can take several months, so don't plan on this money immediately. You can learn more about spousal support on this page. 

More questions about leaving